I have so much love for her

that I have written so many poems

about her smile

her laugh

how her hair smells like the perfect mix of vanilla and coconut

how she is beautiful

I have so much love for her

that I would do anything to make her smile

she loves daisies

and pineapple upside down cake

and lollipops

I love chrysanthemums

and chocolate ice cream cake

and Jolly Ranchers

when I thought I was in love with him

I was really in love with her

when I thought I was in in love with him

I was really in love with her 

on the days where I feel queer and good enough

I am smiling

and laughing

my stomach feels like bubbly

my laugh seems to linger longer

it is on these days

where I give myself a high-five

for having enough confidence to love

the amazing queer self that I know I am

because I know deep down that I am good enough

that my identity is good enough

but some days

it feels like I am constantly falling

into a pit of depression and anxiety

where I feel as though I can never love myself

let alone someone else

and I am screaming and screaming

but nobody cares

I am never anyone’s first choice

that

I do not deserve to be here

but sometimes

I break my fall

and my friends help me up

and remind me

that it is okay for me to be me

so

I get up

and try to give myself a little bit of love

and sometimes it works

and sometimes it doesn’t

some days I am dancing in a storm of pills and therapy and worksheets

on how to survive panic attacks

depressive episodes

trying to grasp on to what little self-esteem I have

and on other days

I am dancing with myself

and I feel content

someday I will find her

and I will make her the best damn pineapple upside cake

that she has ever eaten

but for now

I will keep trying

to love myself

because she deserves love too.

- Blythe Service, second-year social work

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