Sectarian warfare has broken out between two of Western’s affiliated colleges over religious differences. The Catholics of King's have declared holy war on the Anglicans of Huron.

Tensions between the colleges, which have simmered for 60 years, exploded on Thursday when King's University College labelled Huron University College as "heretics” and vowed to "drag the unfaithful to God's light." Huron responded by condemning Kings as a “sordid hovel of papists” and reminded its congregation of the "horrors of Bloody Mary."

King's president subsequently made a fiery speech — some of which was in Latin — calling on King's students to take up arms and march on Huron college.

Halberds, pikes and matchlocks were freely distributed to the faithful, having been stored deep under the seminary for hundreds of years. Members of King’s Council of Knights (formerly known as the King's University College Students' Council) donned full suits of armour and mounted their Norman warhorses. Those who could not join the crusade wildly flagellated themselves in fanatical displays of faith. A gigantic golden cross — pulled by a troupe of 12 horses — led the procession of crusaders toward the front gates of Western University.

Meanwhile, Western's main campus was annexed and incorporated under the theocratic reign of Huron. A large mob began smashing anything perceived as “idolatrous” and “popish.” Martin Luther’s Ninety-five Theses was nailed to the front doors of the University Community Centre, while alcohol in The Spoke bar was confiscated and destroyed. 

The armies of Huron and King's met in battle on University Drive bridge on Friday. Pikemen and musketeers engaged one another for 20 minutes before Huron’s force was scattered by an inferno of cannon fire from King's. The crusaders subsequently captured Talbot Hall, driving out students from the Faculty of Music for their “pagan hymns.” After much fanfare — including a great deal of self-flagellation — the building was consecrated as a Catholic church.

The two warring parties have made various demands to Western's administration. King's has pledged to “cleanse all of campus in holy fire” if their demands for the banishment of Huron are not met. Huron called for funding to purchase Swiss pikemen. President Amit Chakma is quoted as saying that he will “duly consider these proposals.”

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