Spoof: Campus scurvy rates skyrocket after Booster Juice reduces hours

Western students are reporting high rates of scurvy after the UCC’s Booster Juice reduced its hours.

A new study from researchers in the faculty of Health Science found 18.78 per cent of students displayed symptoms of scurvy last week, compared to just 6.9 per cent when Booster Juice was open all day.

The study found that, after Booster Juice reduced its hours, students were consuming, on average, just five mg of vitamin C per day.

“We’re very concerned … it looks like students are receiving a substantial portion of their daily nutrients from drinking Booster Juice,” said Skye N. Twist, a Health Sciences professor at Western University who led the study.

On-campus literacy about nutrition and scurvy’s causes appeared to be low.

“Vitamin C? I don’t want any of that — if I get a C I won’t get into law school,” said Kess Jim, a first-year political science student.

When asked if he knew the importance of vitamin C, second-year biology student Stewart Dent recited its role in the synthesis pathway of collagen, but was unable to comment on where it’s found in food.

Meanwhile, neuroscience master’s student Ron Newman could describe a patient in a “vegetative state” in great detail but did not appear to know about the role of vegetables in a healthy diet.

In response to public outcry, the University Students’ Council put out a statement asking for increased Booster Juice hours. The study’s authors condemned the statement.

“The commitment to advocacy is great, but there are other ways to get vitamin C in your diet,” said Twist. “Seriously, go eat an orange or something.”

While scurvy rates increased across campus, just one group was spared. Ivey Business School students, who receive, on average, 95 per cent of their essential nutrients from the Ivey Starbucks, were not substantially impacted.

Concerned students have begun collecting signatures to form a Scurvy Awareness club, which will promote nutritious diets and advocate for the opening of another Booster Juice on campus.

Due to the USC’s lengthy club ratification process, the club hopes to begin operations by 2050.

This article is part of the Gazette's annual Spoof Issue. All Spoof articles are fun and satire, so don't take them seriously. Or do, we don't control you. Happy April Fools' Day, Mustangs!